How to annoy people in a library
Flip books upside down, when asked to stop explain that you are doing it for the Australians.
Read your book upside down.
Get an erotic book, flip open to an erotic page and start reading it out loud making sure you have an audience.
Begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Should people demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander.
Go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say “There must be a secret entrance here…”
While reading glance over your shoulder suspiciously every few seconds.
Start screaming at a character in the book : “Nooo! It’s a trap! Don’t go in there you idiot!!”
Ask the librarian: “What’s the name of this book???”
Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
Stick a “Kick me” sign on your back, start accusing and questioning everyone in the library about it, act frustrated.
Whilst at the library ask people to read for you because your eye sight is bad. When bored with that start asking people to finish reading the book at home for you.
While pointing to a very simple word like ‘an’, ask someone next to you if they can pronounce it for you.
Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then start eating messily, and crunching loudly. Ask everyone that passes: “Got milk?”
Walk around the bookshelves like a drunk person and ask people if they know where the library is.
Get a really weird erotic book and give it to someone saying “I think you’ll like this book.” Wink.
Rearrange books so their titles make up funny/weird sentences.
Start reading a children’s book sweetly to a little girl or boy then turn it into a weird horror story halfway.
Start eating a book and say “I’m a bookworm” .
Cough endlessly.
Ask the librarian if she will read you a story. Beg.
Eat cheese and pickle sandwiches. Go to great lengths to ensure everyone can smell it.
Laugh out loud at books with clearly inappropriate content for such a reaction: Abortion, Disability,War etc.
Talk to the person next to you about how the Dewey Decimal Classification is an abomination. Explain that the books are free spirits and should not be constrained by the order the system enforces. Replace them in the shelves at random.
Start a fitness class and encourage others to join.
Walk over to people who are reading and softly blow into their ear. Act innocent.
Ask the librarian “How much does this book cost? Do you accept credit card payment?”. Don’t wait for an answer and just throw a dollar bill at him/her and walk away.
Read a book really loudly and add voices whenever characters talk.
While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to everyone: “I have mail!!”
Get a children’s book and complain that there is no glossary.
Take a book and ask people one by one: “Do you wanna read this?”
Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.
Hide a book inside your shirt and say: “Oops I don’t know how that got in there” when it falls down. Act surprised.
Keep clicking a pen or tap it against the table, never stop, ignore what people say.
Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you and what were you doing last night around 2 a.m.?!”
Swish papers around to make noise.
Go to sleep in a place that everybody needs, maybe on top of the printer on deadline day.
Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting “Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who would of thought it?”
Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!”
Get up onto the table, and start acting like a chicken. When they ask what you’re doing, answer: “You wouldn’t understand.”
Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!”
Sing or hum the Pokemon Center theme song.
Tell people the ending of the book before they have even read it. If unsure check online first.
Order a hamburger and some fries from the librarian, wait for the order.
Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asks what is wrong, look at then with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?”
Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular: “I know what you did last night…”
Sit really close to a stranger and stare at them. See how long it takes for them to ask you to leave.
Wear A LOT of cologne or perfume.
Run in with a toy gun and yell ” THIS IS A ROBBERY!”
Bring a bag of cat food and start snacking on it.
Stand up suddenly, continue reading.
Get someone who works at the library and ask them one by one if each book in the whole library is good or bad.
Hold your book right next to your eyes.
Spell every single word as you read it.
Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
Look at one page number, then a different one. Shout in astonishment: ”Would you look at that?! The page numbers are in order! The guy who came up with that must have been a genius!”
Sing or hum songs that you know will be lodged in everyone’s brains for hours.
Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say: “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”
Look up suddenly and yell, “Oh no!” When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.” Then do it again.
Ask people what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t! Lies!”
Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”
Every time the clock strikes the hour shout “One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We will never make it in time!”
Cry or laugh really loudly while sitting next to somebody and say “This book is really emotional/funny…”
Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way. Flip the page every two or so seconds.
Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”
Gentleman pick up lines
I don’t mean to bother you, but I had to come over and introduce my self; otherwise I’ll be kicking myself for days.
Pardon me but I seem to have gotten blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Kissing is the language of love, care for a conversation?
I would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Did you just jump out of broiler? Cause you’re looking quite steamy in that getup there.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.
If beauty was a drop of water, then you’d be the ocean.
My dear, you are deserving of masterful poetry, not mere words.
Would you mind lending me your heart?
Care to retire to my study and see my etchings?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Would you care to accompany me to my dwellings for some tea?
You may think I’m drunk but I’m just intoxicated by your beauty.
Hello, my fine companion over there thinks you’re kinda cute, but I don’t. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Excuse me but may I sell you an indulgence? Because it must be a sin to look as good as you do!
Can you give me directions to your heart? I’ve seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
You shouldn’t wear make up my dear. It’s messing with perfection!
Excuse me I’d like to offer a fair warning madame, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women look really bad.
If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.
Perhaps it really was a good decision to take my library card because I’m checking you out my dear.
There is no pick up line worthy of such a beautiful woman.
I’m having a really bad day and it always makes me fell better when I see a pretty girl smile so would you smile for me?
You look almost perfect…the only thing I can see that’s wrong is your lips…they’re not touching mine.
I don’t mean to bother you but I know somebody who likes you and if I weren’t so shy, I’d tell you who.
Something tells me you’re sweet. May I have a sample?
Excuse me, you look like a woman who has heard every pick up line in the book, so might i perhaps offer my own as well?
If I told you what a beautiful body you have, would you hold it against me?
You are a walking art exhibit. I could study you for days.
You, my dear, are the very reason men fall in love.
Do you mind if I share the rest of my life with you?
You are a compass, my dear. Without you I am lost.
I can make something else besides your goggles fog up.
Madame, you make the southern part of my union suit want to secede from the north.
Let me know if you need any help getting out of that corset my dear.
Do you swing towards Edison or Tesla cause either way you’re making me spark.
You can dock your hot air balloons at my port any day!
Pardon me madame but you’re steaming up my goggles.
Hmm, you appear to look like my first wife…/How many times have you been married?/Never.
Your bustle must be filled with hydrogen cause it’s giving me a rise.
There must be something wrong with my monocle. I can’t keep my eye off your glorious smile.
The only factor your eyes haven’t by now told me is your identify.
There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.
Hello, I’m Mr Right. I heard you were looking for me.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
I used to feel the sky was blue, but then I saw your eyes.
When I’m older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I’ll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.
Kissing you is like drinking salty water: You drink, but your thirst only increases.
I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.
Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.
Excuse me ma’am are you a captain?/Not particularly why do you wish to ask?/Because you’re raising my Private’s attention.
Epic one liners
Home is where you can say anything you like, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Trust me, it’s better to cry in a Lamborghini than an empty shopping cart.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
I’d agree with you,but then we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Some people have 20 years of experience…and some people have one year of experience, repeated 20 times.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted the paychecks.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Common sense isn’t.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Oh you’re a vegetarian? My food shits on your food.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Only humans can be stupid enough to cut down trees, manufacture paper and write on it “save the trees”.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
How to annoy the police
Hey, you must’ve been doing over 130 to keep up with me. Good job!
Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you were going to get a doughnut.
Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them!
What? You need a license to drive?
I didn’t stop because when i saw the flashing lights i thought you were giving me an escort.
Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s?
Bad cop! No doughnut!
Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.
I’m heading to a sold out concert and I heard you gave someone a ticket, what’s the deal?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
So that’s what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?
I’m an undercover FBI agent and I was following someone, do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?
Whatever you want buddy, You’ve got the gun and I’m not armed right now…
Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.
Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
No, offi, offic, lucifer…I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog!
I’m surprised you stopped me, the donut shop is having a 3 for 1 special!
Pfff…of course you caught me, you have a way better car, this is so not fair.
Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.
Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Hmm, I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?
Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that pedestrian either.
Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you would have never caught me!
Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.
You guys all take bribes, right? How much?
I pay your salary!
Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Hmm…Is your power a penis substitute?
If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.
Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum!
You drive like my grandma.
Listen, I’m really good friends with the president, so why don’t we just forget about this whole thing, hmm?
I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, “Houdini”!
What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Psychology pick-up lines
I’ll be a prisoner, you be a guard. Abuse me!
What Freudians repress, let’s express!
You’re into threesomes? Great, ’cause I’ve got split personality.
Baby, all i see in my Rorschach Tests is me and you!
Are you real, or are you a delusion? Either way, you’re really hot!
Can I buy you a shrink?
Sex is on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Care to help me self-actualize?
My hypothalamus is going wild for you!
I have a slight OCD care to be my obsession?
I’ve got a great psychoanalysis couch back home, care to try it out?
You remind me of my mother..
Care to teach me more about interpersonal relationships?
I’m not feeling myself today, can I feel you?
Wanna come back to my place and do something you’ll repress later?
Do come lay on my couch… With me.
Who’s your daddy? Do I remind you of him?
Baby you’re so beautiful…I can’t break down my thoughts and behavior around you, i can’t help not experiencing you as a whole.
You make my medulla spatter.
You are the greatest perception of my heart’s delusion!
Hey baby, how about we try an experiment using stimulus and response?
All three levels of my psyche agree, we need to start dating.
You’re the Youngian archetype for the perfect woman.
Baby you’re so fine my brain is changing structure just to process it.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my passive-aggressive-libido-suppressed mind all night.
Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re also putting hot dogs through doughnuts.
Mind if I put my cigar in your ashtray? This isn’t just any cigar…
My unconscious mind is urging me to talk to you.
Are you happy to see me, or is that just a defense mechanism?
Baby i love everything about you not just the fragmented parts of your personality or your cognitive functioning.
When you fell from heaven, did it leave you with any lasting emotional scars?
I’d compare you to my mother, but I don’t want to go down that Freudian slippery slope.
Why don’t I show you my giant inkblot so you can tell me how you feel about it, hmm?
Your ego may be saying ‘no’, but your id is giving me a tongue bath.
I’m conducting an experiment, wanna come spend the night over so i can interpret your dreams?
Hey, how about you come over to my place and i free you from your confrontation with the givens of existence?
And ven I snap my fingers, you vill take your clothes off on and remember none of zis..
You know what, a few minutes of probing on my couch and you’d be a completely different woman!
Anthropology pick-up lines
Hey Baby, I wanna see your bedrock!
Let’s pretend you’re full of C14 so I can date you.
Baby, you must have time distortion powers because you’are turning me into Homo Erectus!
Would you like to examine my bone?
What a nice pair of platform mounds you got there!
Wanna extract some minerals from my bone?
Let’s forget the carbon and move straight to the dating!
Hey baby, Can I probe your moist area?
My, my you are a special find.
Are you an excavation site? Because I dig you.
I’m a linguistic anthropologist, may i study your tongue?
Hey baby, I wanna go down today… about 10 centimeters.
Fancy rimming my sherd?
Hey baby, can i use my GPR on you?
I sure would like to calibrate your curves.
Baby you’re more precious than an artifact!
Wanna share a trench?
I would never bury our love in a coniferous forest, because the acidity of the soil would ruin any chance of preservation.
So, wanna get dirty?
I’d like to excavate your site.
You know, you really match my culturally constructed beauty standard !
Care to shine my trowel?
You like petrology? Well, check out this cleavage!
Would you like to see my totem ?
Come here and let me demonstrate how to shovel probe.
My, what a large ranging pole you have!
Hey baby, could i have a look at your artifacts?
Can I excavate your mounds?
Hey, I’ve just discovered a bone in my pants, and I was wondering if you could date it.
Hey baby, can I survey your features ?
I find your culture fascinating…I’d like to learn more about your mating rituals.
Can I touch your tanglible heritage?
Is that an increment borer in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
Wow, and all this time I thought nothing was sexier than archaeometry!
Did it hurt when you fell from your culture’s dogmatic view of an afterlife?
Let’s have a debate. I’ll be a cultural relativist, and you assume the missionary position.
If I told you that you had some nice secondary sex characteristics, would you hold them against me?
You remind me of the Kennewick Man, I’d do anything to claim you for my own.
Baby, your hotness is a social fact!
I like your hotspot.
Baby, I’ve got a huge grant !
How to annoy a telemarketer
Repeat what they say. Keep repeating until they ask you to stop, when they ask why, reply that you are training to be a telemarketer.
Ask “Why?” all the time.
Answer every question with “No.”
Answer everything with “hmm maybe…”.
Ask them to talk very slow so you can write every word down for evidence.
Fake being attacked by a murderer. Beg for help. Leave the phone hanging with no sound.
Reply to everything they say with “That’s absolutely not true!”
Start asking them questions and never answer theirs.
Ask them if they sell any telemarketing blocking products.
Answer with “911 Emergency. What is your emergency?” Repeat.
Stay really quiet after you answer then make baby sounds.
Treat them like your very own psychiatrist. Tell them about your life until they hang up.
Ask them where else you can purchase the product but refuse to buy it from him.
Inform him that you are grounded or under house arrest, ask him if he could bring you some beer and peanuts.
Ask them personal questions continuously. Tell them you can’t answer their questions until they gain your trust.
Only breath heavily. Tell them you know where they live or that they have a “purty voice”.
Tell them you have to let the cat inside and you will be right back. Never return.
Ask them if they are selling any weed.
“I’m sorry, I’m blind, can you repeat that?”
Tell them you don’t even have a phone and you don’t know what they are talking about.
Pretend like you are old/young and can’t hear/understand, fake an accent as well.
Ask them if they would like to be your friend.
Panic and tell them you were an undercover cop but this call just ruined your cover.
Tell them a gypsy already sold you that product.
Tell them the phone owner has just moved and give them the number of someone you despise. Tell them they work during the day so Read More…
Informatics pick-up lines
Mind if i try your compiler on my hard code?
You compute me!
You’re hotter then the bottom of my laptop.!
Ping . Response?
Talk QWERTY to me!
It’s not the size of my hard drive, it’s the way I upload.
Need me to unzip your files?
If you were an ISP I’d dial you all day long!
I think my heart just lagged…
Hi, I’m writing a new make-out program. Would you like to join the beta-test?
You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean…
If you were a part of my domain, we could share cookies.
Wanna place your software on my hard drive?
Baby, you must be running a TCP protocol, since every time I talk to you, your body gives me an acknowledgment!
I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen.
Computer techs have skilled fingers. if you know what I mean…
I wish i could hack you in my dreams!
Baby, you overclock my processor.
Wow, you just hacked into my heart and executed loveatfirstsight.exe!
Hey baby, I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.
What do you say I get your method signature so I can call you?
If you have an empty slot, I have the card to fill it.
Hey baby, if I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
If I were an assembly language, I’d jump to your address, shift right a bit, push it in, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, then jump if you’re negative.
My love for you is like a session that never times out.
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.
I’m very well-oriented with private objects.
What do you say we configure our hard drives to master and slave position?
Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.
I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.
I wish I had the RSS feed of your heart.
I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you have ever seen!
If I said you had a beautiful <body>, would you hold it against me?
How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
Baby, you are as mysterious as the random reboot problems I’m having with my Linux server.
Have you ever been deep-linked?
Hey, I really wanna hack your kernel.
Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Hey, how about I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?
How about we go home and you handle my exception?
You make my software turn into hardware!
I’d really like to play on your lap-top!
Nice CDs!
Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I’ll give you sudo access.
You have the hottest multi-touch interface.
Don’t worry babe, my backdoor Trojan won’t do any real damage.
Can I put my USB stick in your 2.0 Slot?
You can talk to me in binary all the way home, baby.
Is your IP available for some chat?
I’d love to probe your ports.
I checked your syntax and found no errors. Wanna go compile?
Hey cutie, are you looking for someone to format your drive?
Would it be easier to embed you if I show you my plugins?
I’d like to send some packets into your SSH tunnel.
Motivation
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