25 ways to troll when bored

learn-th-eart-of-trolling-it-is-simpleMake vanilla pudding. Place it in a mayo jar. Eat it on the street. Also Gatorade in a window cleaning solution.

Point at someone on the street or in a store and shout “You’re one of them!” Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.

Wear a shirt that says “Life”. Hand out lemons on the street.

Get into a dressing room at the clothes store and yell: “Oh no! There’s no more toilet paper left!!”.

Run into a store or to someone on the street. Ask them in a frantic manner “What year is it?”. After they answer yell “It worked!” and run away cheering.

Get into a crowded elevator and say “I bet you are all wondering why i called you all here today…”.

Go up to a random lady with a daughter and say her son is adorable.

Grab a banana in a store and ask the clerk “Why are all your carrots yellow?”.

Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

Walk up to people chatting on the street and stare at them, after a while ask “So, are you gonna kiss him/her or what?”.

Go to a fast food restaurant and order fries without the potatoes.

Make “No Dumping – Violators Will Be Prosecuted” signs and put them in public bathroom stalls.

Go to a pet store and buy bird seed. Ask the clerk how long it will take for the birds to grow after you plant the seeds.

Buy a parrot. Teach it to say “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot!”.

Go to random dating sites and create awesome profiles for your dog.

Go up to random people at the mall, show them your ID, and ask: “Have you seen this man?”.

Go to an Italian restaurant in a Mario costume.

At a crowded street corner look up and yell “No! Don’t jump!”. See how many people look.

Put up a lost dog poster with the picture of a cat. Provide no contact details only a large reward.

Go to a store, pick up a bag of sliced turkey and start screaming “What have they done to you?!!? Nooo!”

Superglue coins to the sidewalk. Eat popcorn.

Hug a stranger then push them back angrily saying “Get off me, what are you doing weirdo?!”

Randomly shout “You pervert!”. See how many people react or turn around.

Dress up in a suit. Look at people walking on the street, speak into your watch “I found him/her.”. Start following someone.

Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout “Oh no! I’m hideous!”.

Funny excuses for getting caught sleeping at your desk

14930815-successful-businessman-sleeping-at-desk-it-the-officeWhy did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

… Amen.

I’m training in case i need to be sent abroad.

It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do Yoga?

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

That cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

The coffee machine is broken…

I really need to stop working home so late.

Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot!

Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.

The doctor told me to.

Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!

I was working smarter — not harder.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Politics pick-up lines

image1Woah baby, you got my vote!

I may be conservative, but I’ll get liberal with you!

You must be Seward authorizing the purchase of Alaska because I’m experiencing some unprecedented growth.

I don’t need a CRS report to know how beautiful you are.

When it comes to hope and change, I hope you’ll go out with me, but if you say “no” then I’d prefer you change your mind.

You know, the national debt isn’t the only thing that’s rising.

Hey baby, wanna help preserve the institution of marriage?

Hey baby, I’m with the NSA and i already know you’ll like me so let’s just go out.

Let’s play health care reform. I’ll be the nurse and you can be the doctor.

I’d like to get your opinion on my poll.

Are there terrorists around? Because I think you’re the bomb.

Baby care to let me in your Oval Office?

Presidents do it four years in a row.

Ask not what I can do for you, ask what you can do for me on our date.

I might not be in your political party baby, but how about I just party with you tonight?

Baby I’m a property fan I’m into respecting your right to enjoy the benefits of an object, my object that is.

Hey babe, could you give my voting lever a little pull?

I’ll always preserve our union baby.

I’d like to swear you in as my Chief Executive Girlfriend.

Hey girl, are you gonna give me your phone number or should i just ask the NSA?

Baby I’m just giving you a fair warning that you can’t keep hiding those two weapons of mass destruction you got there so please make the arrangements for my arrival as I’m already planning an inspection.

I’ve got a five year plan and it includes you… well, it doesn’t have to be five years, tonight works for me!

Let’s get hammered and I’ll show you my sickle.

I wanna drill you like an Alaskan oilfield.

Wanna find out what went on on those erased parts of that tape baby?

There’s a conspiracy going around that we may not end up together, wanna prove it wrong?

Let’s protest in the nude… in my bedroom.

You may not be the First Lady, but I’ll make you feel like one!

Baby you can trust me, I always pull out at the last second.

You’re causing a rise in my polls.

Wanna go back to my place and form a coalition?

Baby I’ll build you a moon base if you let me get to third.

I’ve got a stimulus package waiting for you in my pants.

Baby, you are hotter than the flag we’re burning.

Just because the national debt is going up doesn’t mean I cant go down on you baby.

I believe in your right to chose me.

Hey baby I got free contraceptives.

You can raise more than my taxes!

I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can!

Is that the Constitution in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Are you in charge of the new Transportation Bill because you have been running through my mind all day.

How about you poll me until I incumbent.

Hey baby, wanna make like the surplus and go down on me?

I’d love to have a discussion with you about Dick and Bush.

Care to work under me?

If going out with you was a referendum, I’d vote yes

I see the flat tax wouldn’t apply to you hehe.

How would you like to take a ride on my Air Force One?

Hey baby, do you want to join my party?

Your campaign headquarters or mine?

Do you wanna see a majority whip?

Baby you make me wanna stage a coup d’état to make you go down… on me.

What is your favorite position… in the energy crisis debate?

It is my duty to closely  examine all Party Organs.

Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?

Wanna come over to my place ? I’ve got some pro-growth policies we can talk about all night long.

Funny excuses given for car accidents

Mr_Bean_420-420x0A pedestrian hit me and then went under my car. There was nothing I could do.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished.

The other car collided with mine without giving fair warning of its intention.

The other car shouldn’t have been in my way.

The car didn’t come with an instruction manual.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

He applied the brake and his car stopped, I applied brake and my car didn’t stop.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I thought the phrase “drinking and driving” meant drinking whilst operating the vehicle.

I did not think the train ran on those lines any more.

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

I sneezed.

Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by pedestrians.

I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

Funny excuses for not going on a date

not-sure-if-trolling-or-just-a-smartass I’m sorry I can’t:

I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

I’m having all my plants neutered.

My uncle escaped again.

I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.

I have to study for a blood test.

I won’t find a parking space.

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

The last time I went out, I never came back.

I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

My favorite commercial is on TV.

I’m taking nuisance classes.

I left my body in my other clothes.

I need to change the air in my tires.

I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

I have to hide the bodies.

I think my wife/husband would get pissed.

I have to keep refreshing the FBI website to check if I’m still wanted.

My dog had baby kittens.

My dad said I can’t date till I am married.

My grandma is on fire.

I have to stay home and give my goldfish a bath.

My pet rock died.

I need to help a friend with some business in the desert.

The man on television told me to say tuned.

I have to floss my cat.

I never go out on days that end in “y”.

I’ll be under house arrest by then.

I have to wax the driveway.

I have to go to court, I’m suing myself for brain damages. 

People are blaming me for World War II..

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

I can’t, I will be sick that day.

I can’t anymore, my boyfriend/girlfriend just called.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.

I got hit by a fly, the ambulance is on it’s way.

I put your name in a hat with the others, yours didn’t come up this week.

I got struck by lightning while watering my dog.

My spirit guide said not to.

I died yesterday.

 I’m doing door-to-door selling European air.

I’ve decided to dedicate my life to spaghetti.

The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

My ex girlfriend/boyfriend gets out of jail today and he/she murdered the last person i liked. 

 I’m trying to cut down.

excuse-funny-quotes-Favim.com-581109

History pick-up lines

r169_457x256_3404_Cersei_Seated_2d_fantasy_girl_woman_sexy_portrait_queen_picture_image_digital_artYou know…there’s a reason they say I started the Era of Good Feelings… 

Baby you turn my bronze into iron!

Don’t worry dear, my missile is never in crisis.

Madam, it is imperative that you recognize my natural right to pursue your happiness.

If I was a knight, would you lower your drawbridge for me?

I’m sorry i wasn’t part of your past, want me to make it up by being in your future?

My dear…Your beauty could launch a thousand ships.

Baby you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.

Care to come over for some Hysteria Relief?

Hey baby, would you like me to be your Secretary of the Interior…?

You remind me of  Russia in 1917, I’m starting to feel a huge uprising in my lower class.

Hey baby, care to allow me an expedition to prove that you aren’t flat?

Nice pyramids…

I’m like George Washington — I cannot tell a lie. So believe me when I say you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.

No one can debunk the fact that you are the center of my universe…

 Want to go back to my place and discuss Big Stick Diplomacy? 

You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.

I’m like the Vietnam War – way longer than you thought I’d be.

Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

I wouldn’t need the Emancipation Proclamation if i were your slave baby!

I bet if Jefferson had met you, he would have vetoed the Non-Intercourse Act.

You remind me of the guillotine, i always lose my head around you dear.

Baby, you are hotter than the Great Fire of London.

Not even the Berlin Wall could keep me from you my dear.

Did you have anything to do with The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

Baby, I’d annex your territory any day!

Let me know if you need any help getting out of that corset.

Want to reenact the Battle of the Bulge? 

Babe… your love is like a dictatorship…it has absolute power over my heart!

Wow, how astonishing! You must be the eighth wonder of the world! 

I wish to colonize your heart my dear.

Good afternoon sir is that an telescope in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Are you a historical landmark? Because Eiffel for you.

Want to play War of 1812? I’ll light your White House on fire… 

Your palace looks like it could use a sturdy column.

I’d go to the moon and back for you baby!

You wanna play Pearl Harbor? It’s a game where I lay back and you blow the hell out of me.

I’ve got the ‘thanks’ ready, if you’ll do the ‘giving…

If I could change the alphabet, I would put ‘V’ and ‘I’ together.

My heart burns like a witch for you.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore….my face should be among them.

Unlike the stock market, I never crash at my peak.

Hey baby, I got the sword you got the sheath, how about a truce?

beautiful_fantasy_girl_warrior_wallpaper_e132011-1280x800

How to annoy people in a library

funny-library-booksFlip books upside down, when asked to stop explain that you are doing it for the Australians.

Read your book upside down.

Get an erotic book, flip open to an erotic page and start reading it out loud making sure you have an audience.

Begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Should people demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander.

Go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say “There must be a secret entrance here…”

While reading glance over your shoulder suspiciously every few seconds.

Start screaming at a character in the book : “Nooo! It’s a trap! Don’t go in there you idiot!!”

Ask the librarian: “What’s the name of this book???”

Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

Stick a “Kick me” sign on your back, start accusing and questioning everyone in the library about it, act frustrated.

Whilst at the library ask people to read for you because your eye sight is bad. When bored with that start asking people to finish reading the book at home for you.

While pointing to a very simple word like ‘an’, ask someone next to you if they can pronounce it for you.

Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then start eating messily, and crunching loudly. Ask everyone that passes: “Got milk?”

Walk around the bookshelves like a drunk person and ask people if they know where the library is.

Get a really weird erotic book and give it to someone saying “I think you’ll like this book.” Wink.

Rearrange books so their titles make up funny/weird sentences.

Start reading a children’s book sweetly to a little girl or boy then turn it into a weird horror story halfway.

Start eating a book and say “I’m a bookworm” .

Cough endlessly.

Ask the librarian if she will read you a story. Beg.

Eat cheese and pickle sandwiches. Go to great lengths to ensure everyone can smell it.

Laugh out loud at books with clearly inappropriate content for such a reaction: Abortion, Disability,War etc.

Talk to the person next to you about how the Dewey Decimal Classification is an abomination. Explain that the books are free spirits and should not be constrained by the order the system enforces. Replace them in the shelves at random.

Start a fitness class and encourage others to join.

Walk over to people who are reading and softly blow into their ear. Act innocent.

Ask the librarian “How much does this book cost? Do you accept credit card payment?”. Don’t wait for an answer and just throw a dollar bill at him/her and walk away.

Read a book really loudly and add voices whenever characters talk.

While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to everyone: “I have mail!!”

Get a children’s book  and complain that there is no glossary.

Take a book and ask people one by one: “Do you wanna read this?”

Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.

Hide a book inside your shirt and say: “Oops I don’t know how that got in there” when it falls down. Act surprised.

Keep clicking a pen or tap it against the table, never stop, ignore what people say.

Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you and what were you doing last night around 2 a.m.?!”

Swish papers around to make noise.

Go to sleep in a place that everybody needs, maybe on top of the printer on deadline day.

Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting “Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who would of thought it?”

Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!”

Get up onto the table, and start acting like a chicken. When they ask what you’re doing,  answer: “You wouldn’t understand.”

Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!”

Sing or hum the Pokemon Center theme song.

Tell people the ending of the book before they have even read it. If unsure check online first.

Order a hamburger and some fries from the librarian, wait for the order.

Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asks what is wrong, look at then with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?”

Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular: “I know what you did last night…”

Sit really close to a stranger and stare at them. See how long it takes for them to ask you to leave.

Wear A LOT of  cologne or perfume.

Run in with a toy gun and yell ” THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Bring a bag of cat food and start snacking on it.

Stand up suddenly, continue reading.

Get someone who works at the library and ask them one by one if each book in the whole library is good or bad.

Hold your book right next to your eyes.

Spell every single word as you read it.

Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

Look at one page number, then a different one. Shout in astonishment:  “Would you look at that?! The page numbers are in order! The guy who came up with that must have been a genius!”

Sing or hum songs that you know will be lodged in everyone’s brains for hours.

Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say: “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”

Look up suddenly and yell, “Oh no!” When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.” Then do it again.

Ask people what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t! Lies!”

Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”

Every time the clock strikes the hour shout “One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We will never make it in time!”

Cry or laugh really loudly while sitting next to somebody and say “This book is really emotional/funny…”

Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”

Gentleman pick-up lines

rsz_1beautiful-girls-and-women-hq-040-480x400I don’t mean to bother you, but I had to come over and introduce my self; otherwise I’ll be kicking myself for days.

Pardon me but I seem to have gotten blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Kissing is the language of love, care for a conversation?

I would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

Did you just jump out of broiler? Cause you’re looking quite steamy in that getup there.

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.

If beauty was a drop of water, then you’d be the ocean.

My dear, you are deserving of masterful poetry, not mere words.

Would you mind lending me your heart?

Care to retire to my study and see my etchings?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Would you care to accompany me to my dwellings for some tea?

You may think I’m drunk but  I’m just intoxicated by your beauty.

Hello, my fine companion over there thinks you’re kinda cute, but I don’t. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

Excuse me but may I sell you an indulgence? Because it must be a sin to look as good as you do!

Can you give me directions to your heart? I’ve seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

You shouldn’t wear make up my dear. It’s messing with perfection!

Excuse me I’d like to offer a fair warning madame, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women look really bad.

If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.

Perhaps it really was a good decision to take my library card because I’m checking you out my dear.

There is no pick up line worthy of such a beautiful woman.

I’m having a really bad day and it always makes me fell better when I see a pretty girl smile so would you smile for me?

You look almost perfect…the only thing I can see that’s wrong is your lips…they’re not touching mine.

I don’t mean to bother you but I know somebody who likes you and if I weren’t so shy, I’d tell you who.

Something tells me you’re sweet. May I have a sample?

Excuse me, you look like a woman who has heard every pick up line in the book, so might i perhaps offer my own as well?

If I told you what a beautiful body you have, would you hold it against me?

You are a walking art exhibit. I could study you for days.

You, my dear, are the very reason men fall in love.

Do you mind if I share the rest of my life with you?

You are a compass, my dear. Without you I am lost.

I can make something else besides your goggles fog up.

Madame, you make the southern part of my union suit want to secede from the north.

Let me know if you need any help getting out of that corset my dear.

Do you swing towards Edison or Tesla cause either way you’re making me spark.

You can dock your hot air balloons at my port any day!

Pardon me madame but you’re steaming up my goggles.

Hmm, you appear to look like my first wife…/How many times have you been married?/Never.

Your bustle must be filled with hydrogen cause it’s giving me a rise.

There must be something wrong with my monocle. I can’t keep my eye off your glorious smile.

The only factor your eyes haven’t by now told me is your identify.

There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Hello, I’m Mr Right. I heard you were looking for me.

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

I used to feel the sky was blue, but then I saw your eyes.

When I’m older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I’ll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Kissing you is like drinking salty water: You drink, but your thirst only increases.

I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.

Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.

Excuse me ma’am are you a captain?/Not particularly why do you wish to ask?/Because you’re raising my Private’s attention.

Young-men-spend-more-on-beauty-products-than-women

Epic one liners

movie_one_liners_09Home is where you can say anything you like, because nobody listens to you anyway.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Trust me, it’s better to cry in a Lamborghini than an empty shopping cart.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.

I’d agree with you,but then we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Some people have 20 years of experience…and some people have one year of experience, repeated 20 times.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted the paychecks.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Common sense isn’t.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Oh you’re a vegetarian? My food shits on your food.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Only humans can be stupid enough to cut down trees, manufacture paper and write on it “save the trees”.

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

How to annoy the police

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Hey, you must’ve been doing over 130 to keep up with me. Good job!

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you were going to get a doughnut.

Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them!

What? You need a license to drive?

I didn’t stop because when i saw the flashing lights i thought you were giving me an escort.

Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s?

Bad cop! No doughnut!

Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.

I’m heading to a sold out concert and I heard you gave someone a ticket, what’s the deal?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So that’s what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?

I’m an undercover FBI agent and I was following someone, do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?

Whatever you want buddy, You’ve got the gun and I’m not armed right now…

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.

No, offi, offic, lucifer…I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog!

I’m surprised you stopped me, the donut shop is having a 3 for 1 special!

Pfff…of course you caught me, you have a way better car, this is so not fair.

Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Hmm, I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?

Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that pedestrian either.

Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you would have never caught me!

Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.

You guys all take bribes, right? How much?

I pay your salary!

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Hmm…Is your power a penis substitute?

If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum!

You drive like my grandma.

Listen, I’m really good friends with the president, so why don’t we just forget about this whole thing, hmm?

I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, “Houdini”!

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

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