Famous historical witty comebacks and insults
Ed Koch vs Andrew Kirtzman
Koch: I can explain this to you, I can’t comprehend it for you.
Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas
After Douglas called him “two faced” during a debate”
Abraham: I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?
Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor
When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.
Fritz: I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.
Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau
Response to learning that Richard Nixon called him an a-hole:
Pierre: I’ve been called worse things by better men.”
George Bernard Shaw vs Churchill
George Bernard Shaw: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.
Churchill: Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second – if there is one.
Miriam Hopkins vs Anonymous singer
Anonymous singer: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars.
Miriam Hopkins: That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?
John Montagu vs John Wilkes
John Montagu: Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Groucho Marx vs a contestant on “You Bet Your Life”
After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
Groucho: Why so many children?
Contestant: Well, Groucho, I love my wife.
Groucho: I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Winston Churchill vs a Member of Parliament
MP: Mr Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?
Churchill: No, it’s purely voluntary.
Edna Ferber vs Noel Coward
Who was remarking that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.
Coward: You look almost like a man.
Ferber: So do you.
Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs the U.S. Senate
When asked if he prayed for the Senators.
Hale: No, I look at the Senators and pay for the country.
Calvin Coolidge vs an Opera Singer
Audience member: What do you think of the singer’s execution?
Coolidge: I’m all for it
Calvin Coolidge vs a lady at a White House dinner
Woman: Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.
Coolidge: You lose.
Thomas Reed vs Henry Clay
Clay: I would rather be right than be president.
Reed: The gentleman need not trouble himself, he’ll never be either.
Lady Astor vs Churchill
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it.
Ilka Chase vs Anonymous actress
Anonymous actress: I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?
Ilka Chase: Darling, I’m so glad that you liked it. Who read it to you?
Bessie Braddock vs Churchill
Bessie Braddock: Mr Churchill, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow.
Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference
After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.
Fuller: Do i understand the speaker thanks God for his ignorance?
Audience Member: Well,yes, if you want to put it that way.
Fuller: Then you have a great deal to be thankful for.
Mozart vs an admirer
Admirer: Herr Mozart i’m thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started ?
Mozart: A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.
Admirer: But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old.
Mozart: Yes, but i never asked anybody how.
Bill Clinton vs Dan Quayle
After Quayle revealed that he planned to be a “pit bull” in the 1992 campaign against Clinton & Gore.
Bill: That’s got every fire hydrant in American worried.