Famous historical witty comebacks and insults

 

Ed Koch vs Andrew Kirtzman

Koch: I can explain this to you, I can’t comprehend it for you.

Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas

After Douglas called him “two faced” during a debate”

Abraham: I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?

Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor

When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.

Fritz: I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau 

Response to learning that Richard Nixon called him an a-hole:

Pierre: I’ve been called worse things by better men.”

George Bernard Shaw vs Churchill

George Bernard Shaw: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.

Churchill: Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second – if there is one.

Miriam Hopkins vs Anonymous singer

Anonymous singer:  You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars.

Miriam Hopkins:  That’s wonderful.  And what did you do with the money?

John Montagu vs John Wilkes

John Montagu:  Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.

John Wilkes:  That depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

Groucho Marx vs a contestant on “You Bet Your Life”

After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.

Groucho: Why so many children?

Contestant: Well, Groucho, I love my wife.

Groucho: I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Winston Churchill vs a Member of Parliament 

MP: Mr Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?

Churchill: No, it’s purely voluntary.

Edna Ferber vs Noel Coward

Who was remarking that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.

Coward: You look almost like a man.

Ferber: So do you.

Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs the U.S. Senate

When asked if he prayed for the Senators.

Hale: No, I look at the Senators and pay for the country.

Calvin Coolidge vs an Opera Singer 

Audience member: What do you think of the singer’s execution?

Coolidge: I’m all for it

Calvin Coolidge vs a lady at a White House dinner 

Woman: Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.

Coolidge: You lose.

Thomas Reed vs Henry Clay 

Clay: I would rather be right than be president.

Reed: The gentleman need not trouble himself, he’ll never be either.

Lady Astor vs Churchill

Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.

Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it.

Ilka Chase vs Anonymous actress

Anonymous actress:  I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?

Ilka Chase:  Darling, I’m so glad that you liked it.  Who read it to you?

Bessie Braddock vs Churchill

Bessie Braddock: Mr Churchill, you are drunk.

Churchill: And you madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow.

Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference

After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.

Fuller: Do i understand the speaker thanks God for his ignorance?

Audience Member: Well,yes, if you want to put it that way.

Fuller: Then you have a great deal to be thankful for.

Mozart vs an admirer

Admirer: Herr Mozart i’m thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started ?

Mozart: A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.

Admirer: But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old.

Mozart: Yes, but i never asked anybody how.

Bill Clinton vs Dan Quayle

After Quayle revealed that he planned to be a “pit bull” in the 1992 campaign against Clinton & Gore.

Bill: That’s got every fire hydrant in American worried.