How to annoy people on a plane

Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t.”

Act like a movie star.

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Tom Cruise orMadonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question).

Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).

Ask the person next to you, “Are you in the Witness Protection program too?”

Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers.

Bring a “Word-a-Day” calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. “‘My, you have a very irate home,’ she said governessly.”

Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, “The reception is much clearer up here. . . .”

Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a “Kraft Korner”. Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an “F.”

Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra.

Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out “Yes! Alright! I told them I didn’t need a laptop!” Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.

Call the stewardess “nurse.”

Continually offer to share your “Beano.”

Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a “Home Sweet Home” plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Disco dance in the aisle.

Don’t use deodorant, then “accidentally” stick your armpit in someone’s face.

During the in-flight movie, ask to share headphones with someone.

During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers.

Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn’t come out, ’cause they aren’t really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang 

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling “We’re out of toilet paper! Stewardess!”

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice “Why do the call it the COCKpit?” then snort as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn’t mind applying Preparation H to your hemorrhoids. 

Hum the Monty Python theme song.

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off. 

Jump up and scream “AAAHHH! I left the stove on!” 

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Lead a revolt against the first class passengers. 

Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, “Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?”

Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends 

Moon passing Delta planes.

No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Pinch the stewardess’ butt as she passes.

Pretend you’re flying the plane.

Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn’t have put superglue in your undies that morning.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling “Yeee-ha!”

Say, “Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?” Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Sing along with the songs on your Walkman.

Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, “You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person’s photograph…you own their soul…,” while smiling maniacally.

Sneeze, using somebody’s sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: “Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we’re having isn’t it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather.”

Spill soda “Accidentally” on the person next to you.

Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: “Today’s date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours. . . .”

Start a hot dog stand.

Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, “This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends….” Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl “Help me” on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.

Steal a businessman’s laptop, play solitaire on it.

Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices. 

Tap at the windows, saying “Looks pretty tough” then ask someone if they have a bat you could use to test.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it’s absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 

Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices.

Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon.

Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, “Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?” Smile.

Try to lead plane in song “Oh I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.”

When there’s any nudity, say “Hey! He/she must be real cold!”

When they ask something, pretend that you don’t know and you have to go ask someone else. Repeat with every question. (ie., “How are you today?” “How can I help you,” “what would you like to order”)

When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud.

Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show.

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say “Nevermind. Do you have any towels?”

With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in “Airplane!”

With the person next to you, discuss cannibalism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.

Yell out, “John Lithgow is on the wing!”

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About tehcip

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

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