How to annoy a Jehovah’s Witness

Wear an upside down cross, open the door, point to cross, and say, “Devil worshipper. Have a nice day!”

When they hand you their pamphlet, hand them one back, and tell them “Here’s my pamphlet. I’m a member of the Anti-Jehovah League.

Answer the door naked while playing jungle music and dancing with a chicken foot.

Tell them, “I was just released from prison for first degree murder of a Jehovah’s Witness.”

If you’re a middle-aged or older woman, show them pictures of 6-10 men, and say, “All of my deceased husbands were Jehovah’s Witnesses. God bless them for leaving me all of their money.”

Answer the door with a rifle and tell them, “I won first place at this years hunting competition.

Answer the door while playing a porno on TV and tell them, “Isn’t nature beautiful?”

Tell them, “I gotcha sermon right here!”

At 9 AM, invite them in and tell them, “I’ve a lot to talk about. I hope you like stew for dinner.”

When they ask, “Can I talk to you about God?” Reply, “Sure, what would you like to know?” Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs. 

For males only: While you’re talking with them, start putting on lipstick… and remark that you have a hot date. 

Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” 

Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, “er, I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.” 

A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of “The Watchtower” scattered around… 

Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children. 

Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts. 

Say, “I’m sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.” 

Pick an oft-repeated word in the “approved lexicon” and giggle or say “beep” whenever they utter it. If they ask you what’s going on, say “nothing, why?” in very even tones. 

*Go to a Kingdom Hall and put one of those “No Soliciting” signs on the door (or do as one woman did recently and show up at a public meeting to share the good news of your religion with them. 

*Every time they say “God,” or the ever-popular “Jehovah-God,” say “or Goddess.” 

*Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a “God of love and forgiveness.” 

*Wear an American Flag and start talking about how you’re proud to be an American. 

*Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star. 

*Ask them how the “fruits of the spirit” are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, JWs who murder their families, etc. Check JW News for the latest.) 

*Ask them who Cain married. 

*Remark that the “new light” seems to be blinking a lot lately. 

*Ask them why the Watchtower Society isn’t based in Jerusalem, but in New York. 

*Ask them about the recent “corporate restructuring” of the Watchtower Society. 

*Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall. 

*Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing. 

* Ask them if independent thinking is still “against their religion” – “Awake!” indeed! 

Ask them if they think Jesus’ feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner. * Or better yet, don’t annoy and confuse them – just pretend you’re not home! Any response from you is interpreted as an invitation.

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About tehcip

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

3 responses to “How to annoy a Jehovah’s Witness”

  1. Danny Haszard says :

    Jehovah’s Witnesses are an intolerant rigid fundamentalist sect.

    A) They are at your door to recruit you for their watchtower society corporation,they will say that *we are just here to share a message from the Bible*… this is deception right off.
    B) Their *message* creed is a false Gospel that Jesus had his second coming in 1914.The problem with this is it’s not just a cute fairy tale,Jesus warned of the false prophets who would claim *..look he is here in the wilderness,or see here he is at the temple*.
    C) Their anti-blood transfusion ban against *whole blood* has killed thousands.
    D) once they recruit you they will *love bomb* you in cult fashion to also recruit your family & friends or cut them off.
    —-
    3rd generation Jehovah’s Witness Danny Haszard
    FMI dannyhaszard(dot)com

  2. tehcip says :

    All major religions are “an intolerant rigid fundamentalist sect”

    don’t be surprised by anything

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  1. How to annoy a Jehovah’s Witness | Christian Music Jukebox - November 8, 2012

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