How to annoy someone who won’t leave your house

Ask them if they could give you a hand in your new meth lab, explain how the last 3 people died but you are fairly certain it is safe down there now.

Stare curiously at an empty spot near their head, act like someone just told you a joke and start having a conversation with the invisible entity, invite your guest to talk to the invisible friend while you go get some tea.

Ask them to partake in a weird ritual worshiping an invented deity every time they come over, warn them that if they don’t the roof will fall.

Ask them to stay over forever and never leave because you need them and you can’t possibly live without them, drop on your knees and beg crying. When they try to leave act heartbroken and warn them never to set foot in your house again else terrible things might happen.

Start coughing suspiciously, when asked just tell them you opened a suspicious envelope last night in the house and you’ve been feeling very ill since, tell them it’s probably just a cold, go to the bathroom and draw weird markings on your skin.

In the middle of the conversation slap them vigorously across the face then yell “Damn it! That one always gets away!” Repeat.

Throw a bucket of water on them every time they come in, when questioned about it look dramatically out the window and say“Nobody will ever die of dehydration in this house again…”. Repeat every half  hour.

Hold in your farts the entire day, when it is time release it in front of them, for maximum effect give it a name like “The Kraken” or “Lucy”. If they try to come over again tell them you have a feeling Lucy will drop by today as well.

After they knock, open the door fast and grab them, pull them inside, after that place your ear on the door and go “shhhh….” pretending to listen. Then question them about being followed or seeing anyone suspicious. Randomly yell “Get down!” throughout the conversation. When asked just answer that there is nothing to worry about.

Ask them to fix everything around the house every time they come over, never lend a hand and simply imply that they know very well what they are doing and you might just mess it up.

Eat and drink in front of them but never ever share, tell them everything was a gift and you can’t give any away.

Struggle to remember their name each time they come over, when they tell you relate their names to irrelevant things that never happened like :Marcus? Weren’t you that guy that was caught eating a live chicken in public last winter?”.

Invite them inside then take a nap.

Accuse them of stealing something every time they come over, never let them leave without a body search, threaten to call the police if they refuse to subject themselves to the search, eyeball them suspiciously as they leave.

Give them a 3000 page rule book to read before being allowed to come inside. Rules may include “The host is free and allowed to slap a guest at any given moment.”

Don’t offer them a seat, if they try to sit down get very angry and tell them you just cleaned up and they should respect that. Don’t let them touch anything.

Find out what religion they have, ask them to read with you from a different one’s holy book.

Dump all the air freshener container in a room until the air is unbreathable, let them sit in the room suffering while you go out on the balcony to “talk on the phone.”

Demand that they tell you how much they love you and what a great awesome person you are for half an hour before they may come inside.

Get a musical instrument which you can barely play, sing for them for hours when they come by. If they ask you to stop burst into tears.

Punch them in the face repeatedly, blame a mysterious disease. Explain what a burden it is for you to have such an unimaginably cruel disease that won’t let you socialize then punch them again.

Ask only deeply personal questions, refuse to discuss anything else with them.

When they finish a sentence in the middle of the conversation look at them and smile saying “That’s funny, that dead guy in my bathtub said the same thing.”

Ask them when exactly are they planning to leave every 3 minutes. Use a phone or clock alarm so you won;t forget.

Put ridiculous amounts of pepper on everything you serve them. Demand that they eat everything since you invested hard work and time into it.

Start cutting the meat for a sandwich or a snack, while cutting look them in the eye and laugh like a psychopath. Then look at the meat and whisper to it softly.

Use the vacuum cleaner continuously while they are over.

Finish every sentence with “by the way don’t you just hate it when people never know when to leave?”

Laugh at anything they say.

Answer every question with another question.

Squirt ketchup on their clothes “by accident”, apologize and squirt again.

Ask them to go fetch something you don’t have from the kitchen, when they fail tell them to look somewhere else, repeat.

Watch only extremely boring TV shows.

Listen to every song they hate, make a playlist just for them. Explain that you don’t have any different songs and you just love these.

Lock them into a room or a balcony, act distressed and cry that you can’t find the key. Watch TV or browse the web for a few hours.

Only allow them to play games if they let you win every time.

Feed them salty food, don’t let them drink any water under any circumstance.

Take a book and start reading, tell them to “Sit quietly, the chapter will be over soon and we can talk”. Read the whole book.


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About tehcip

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

One response to “How to annoy someone who won’t leave your house”

  1. april says :

    OH BOY this is so damn hilarious!!!

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