Archive | December 2012

How to annoy people on New Year’s Eve

homer-end-is-near1Shout out random numbers during the countdown.

Have long arguments with anyone that wants to disagree with you that we are in 1962.

Cry uncontrollably about the Earth getting so old.

Prophesy the end times loudly, warn everyone to set their affairs straight before the calendar ends! The mayans meant this calendar!

Remind everybody that 13 is a sinister number imbued with black magic and misfortune. “2013 is no exception! I hope we will still be here in 2014…”

During the countdown panic and shout out “I can’t take this tension anymore!!” Cover your ears and run around making noises.

When the countdown is over get annoyed “Why isn’t anything happening! Lies all lies!”

Walk around people begging them to cherish the 31st of December, explain how it feels neglected because everyone just wants it gone.

Put sleeping pills in everyone drinks to make them miss midnight. Paint your shirt in ketchup before they wake up and explain how you saved their lives.

Invite people to a party, have a tea party instead, demand everyone speak old english with threat of exclusion.

Start telling people stories about last year before it’s even over, after midnight tell everyone that joke about how it’s been a year since you saw them, everyone!

Try to convince people that the new calendar demands sacrifice! Hold a ritual to sacrifice potato chips.

Ask the host where their New Year’s Tree is.

Make impossible New Year’s resolutions like learning to fly and visiting Uranus. Act really confident.

Brag about everything you did last year, even insignificant things,or better of, especially insignificant things.

When people start drinking invent a very depressing story about how you struggled with alcohol addiction, tell it in a very sad voice.

Hold a funeral service for the last year. Speak greatly of it! Tell people it’s ok to cry. Call them sensitive pixie fairies after.

After the countdown start talking into a weird voice “Yeesssh yeesh after a thousand years i am finally free! Muahaha!” Rub your hands together and look at everyone like a psycho. Smile devilishly.

Get all hipster in their faces and tell them how you already like 2013 before it’s even here. Explain your opinions on 2014 as well.

Bring a huge empty paper rocket inside the house that looks like a firework, light it up and yell “Check this out!”. Watch everyone run in fear.

Continue to wish everyone a Merry Christmas !

 

 

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How to troll Santa Claus

Angry-SantaClaus-iconSue him for all he’s got because he dared call your wife a „Ho” three times in front of the kids.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Panic when he comes in and beat him senselessly with a baseball bat.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

Leave out a large plate of cookies for Santa with a big note on the bottom of it „If you want the antidote for the poison you will leave all the presents. No negotiations. When it’s done come wake me up to receive the antidote’s location”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Leave out a big bottle of vodka for him, keep an eye on the news to check where he crashes.

Demand that he teaches you how to do magical things. Do not let him leave until he complies.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. ”

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

Trap Santa in the house with an auto-lock on the chimney. Leave out a note „I wanna play a game…” Watch the monitors to see if he survives your maze.

 

Physics pick-up lines

Labgirl662Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me.

Let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.

Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress ?

Heisenberg was wrong. I’m certain about what you’re doing tonight.

Your lab bench, or mine?

You know.. it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force.

You’re more special than relativity.

So how about we go discover our coefficient of friction.

Baby, I can feel an attraction between you and me, and it’s more than just our universal gravitation.

That dress would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.

Hey baby if i supply the voltage and you a little resistance, imagine the current we can make together.

Hey, would  you like to figure out your gravitational torque on my rod ?

Can I bombard your singularity with my rocket ship until you supernova ?

You must be a magnetic monopole because all i get from you is attraction.

If you were a laser, you’d be set on stunning.

According to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, we may already be in love right now.

You’re a moving electric charge, and I’m a moving magnetic charge… Wanna flux?

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.

What do you say we use my lever to shift your center of mass?

I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

In my bed, it’s perpetual motion all night long, baby.

Hey, wanna get together like a superposition of 2 waves in phase ?

Hey, up for some high-energy quantum tunneling tonight ?

Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency ?

Chemistry pick-up lines

tumblr_lopp7z0pDm1qe17xio1_500Chemistry students do it on the table periodically.

How about me and you go back to my house and form a covalent bond.

So what does it take to get over your activation barrier?

You must be calcium bicarbonate, because if you let me get you wet, then the reaction will be explosive.

Wanna do an experiment ? You bring your beaker and I’ll bring my stirring rod.

Hey baby, will a little more alcohol catalyze this reaction?

You make my atomic number rise.

Hey, wanna see if we can make some new compounds from an “energetic” reaction?

You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Forget hydrogen you’re my number one element.

You must be concentration gradient because I’d move down on you.

Baby, we’ve got chemistry together…

If I could rearrange the periodic table, I’d put Uranium and Iodine together.

You be Flourine and I’ll be Francium and maybe later I can give you an electron.

If you were C6, and i were H12, all we would need is the air we breathe to be sweeter than sugar.

I just bought a molecular model kit, want to play with my stick and balls?

You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

Baby, you’re copper and tellurium combined, because you are CuTe.

Hey baby, you can hop on my myelin sheathe all you want. The quicker the transmissions, the more the action potential.

Wanna experiment with a chemist?

You must be one of those new neon compounds with fluorine and iodine, because you are FINe!

You are a photon quanta to my valence electron. You excite me to a higher energy level.

Biology pick-up lines

tumblr_lw3a77OP1I1qjakjso2_500Your so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract.

If i was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

You give me more jolt than a mitochondria!

My sudden protracted cardiac arrhythmia tells me I like you.

If I were a Shwann cell, I’d squeeze around your axon and give you a fast action potential.

You’re so hot you denature my proteins.

I don’t need neurons to stimulate your sensory system.

Let’s work out our orbicularis oris muscles together!

Whenever I am near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away.

Hey baby, wanna form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?

Hey baby, can I be your enzyme? Because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

I want to work on your leucine zipper with my zinc fingers.

We fit together like the sticky ends of recombinant DNA.

If I were a neurotransmitter, I would be dopamine so I could activate your reward pathway.

Do you want to extract some protein from my column?

If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

You must be gibberelin, because I’m experiencing some stem elongation.

Right now we’re just two RNA, but maybe we could transcribe together and become DNA.

Funny excuses for being late for work/school

smash_alarm_clock

I saw a fire truck as I was coming to work and went home to make sure my house wasn’t on fire.

I was up all night arguing with God.

I got involved in a gang war by accident. We won.

I’m late because my dad was punishing my younger brother this morning. He was beating him with my shoes. I couldn’t come in barefoot.

I had this conflict going on within me regarding whether to exhibit herd mentality by attending class/work or whether to take a more individualistic decision of skipping school/work; I chose the former but the decision-making process was lengthy and complex.

I was possessed, the priest barely made it out alive.

I made the mistake of letting in some Jehovah’s Witnesses and they wouldn’t leave.

There were three wasps in my bedroom so I hid under my bed for three hours until they flew out the window.

The cops kept chasing me but i eventually lost them and came as soon as i could.

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Funny excuses for not doing your homework

findxI  didn’t do my homework because of my eyes….I  couldn’t see any reason to do it.

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

My mother took it to have it framed. 

I didn’t do it, because I didn’t want the other kids in the class to look bad.

A weird old man stole it  and tried to lure me into his house with it.

I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

We ran out of toilet paper at my house last night, and my Dad isn’t feeling so good. He grabbed it in a big rush and I haven’t seen it since.

I got soap in my eyes and was blinded for the rest of the night.

It is against my spiritual beliefs to do homework on a day that ends with a ‘y’.

It was in my back pocket and a pickpocket stole it.

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

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How to annoy people on the street

when-construction-workers-get-it-wrong09Walk around with pictures of yourself. Ask people if they have seen you.

Tell everyone they look fat and their hair is absolutely horrible.

Fill a vodka bottle with water and drink it on the street, grab people and dance. Sing the vodka song.

Pretend you are talking on the phone and shush everyone around you.

Walk up to people and say “that’s really interesting, go on!”.

Make people cry using onions. 

When people wait at a red light stand in front and begin an inspiring victory speech, yell “Chaargee!!” when the color changes.

Randomly yell “Help! Police brutality!”.  Pretend to look around yourself.

Slip bits of paper into people’s pockets that simply read “7 days”.

Pretend you are blind. Touch people and yell “You’re not Jerry!”.

Stand still on the sidewalk, if people try to pass by  tell them to stop cutting in line. Curse angrily.

Swear at everybody on the road. Accuse them of random things.

Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

Smile. All the time. Deviously.

Fake a heart attack.  When someone calls the paramedics pretend nothing happened.

Walk to a busy intersection or street corner, look up at a building and yell “OMG DON’T JUMP!”.

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