Archive | April 2013

Gentleman pick-up lines

rsz_1beautiful-girls-and-women-hq-040-480x400I don’t mean to bother you, but I had to come over and introduce my self; otherwise I’ll be kicking myself for days.

Pardon me but I seem to have gotten blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Kissing is the language of love, care for a conversation?

I would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.

Did you just jump out of broiler? Cause you’re looking quite steamy in that getup there.

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.

If beauty was a drop of water, then you’d be the ocean.

My dear, you are deserving of masterful poetry, not mere words.

Would you mind lending me your heart?

Care to retire to my study and see my etchings?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Would you care to accompany me to my dwellings for some tea?

You may think I’m drunk but  I’m just intoxicated by your beauty.

Hello, my fine companion over there thinks you’re kinda cute, but I don’t. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.

May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?

Excuse me but may I sell you an indulgence? Because it must be a sin to look as good as you do!

Can you give me directions to your heart? I’ve seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

You shouldn’t wear make up my dear. It’s messing with perfection!

Excuse me I’d like to offer a fair warning madame, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women look really bad.

If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.

Perhaps it really was a good decision to take my library card because I’m checking you out my dear.

There is no pick up line worthy of such a beautiful woman.

I’m having a really bad day and it always makes me fell better when I see a pretty girl smile so would you smile for me?

You look almost perfect…the only thing I can see that’s wrong is your lips…they’re not touching mine.

I don’t mean to bother you but I know somebody who likes you and if I weren’t so shy, I’d tell you who.

Something tells me you’re sweet. May I have a sample?

Excuse me, you look like a woman who has heard every pick up line in the book, so might i perhaps offer my own as well?

If I told you what a beautiful body you have, would you hold it against me?

You are a walking art exhibit. I could study you for days.

You, my dear, are the very reason men fall in love.

Do you mind if I share the rest of my life with you?

You are a compass, my dear. Without you I am lost.

I can make something else besides your goggles fog up.

Madame, you make the southern part of my union suit want to secede from the north.

Let me know if you need any help getting out of that corset my dear.

Do you swing towards Edison or Tesla cause either way you’re making me spark.

You can dock your hot air balloons at my port any day!

Pardon me madame but you’re steaming up my goggles.

Hmm, you appear to look like my first wife…/How many times have you been married?/Never.

Your bustle must be filled with hydrogen cause it’s giving me a rise.

There must be something wrong with my monocle. I can’t keep my eye off your glorious smile.

The only factor your eyes haven’t by now told me is your identify.

There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Hello, I’m Mr Right. I heard you were looking for me.

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

I used to feel the sky was blue, but then I saw your eyes.

When I’m older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I’ll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Kissing you is like drinking salty water: You drink, but your thirst only increases.

I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.

Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge and let me cross.

Excuse me ma’am are you a captain?/Not particularly why do you wish to ask?/Because you’re raising my Private’s attention.

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Epic one liners

movie_one_liners_09Home is where you can say anything you like, because nobody listens to you anyway.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Trust me, it’s better to cry in a Lamborghini than an empty shopping cart.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.

I’d agree with you,but then we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Some people have 20 years of experience…and some people have one year of experience, repeated 20 times.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted the paychecks.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Common sense isn’t.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Oh you’re a vegetarian? My food shits on your food.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Only humans can be stupid enough to cut down trees, manufacture paper and write on it “save the trees”.

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

How to annoy the police

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Hey, you must’ve been doing over 130 to keep up with me. Good job!

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you were going to get a doughnut.

Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them!

What? You need a license to drive?

I didn’t stop because when i saw the flashing lights i thought you were giving me an escort.

Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s?

Bad cop! No doughnut!

Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.

I’m heading to a sold out concert and I heard you gave someone a ticket, what’s the deal?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So that’s what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?

I’m an undercover FBI agent and I was following someone, do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?

Whatever you want buddy, You’ve got the gun and I’m not armed right now…

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.

No, offi, offic, lucifer…I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog!

I’m surprised you stopped me, the donut shop is having a 3 for 1 special!

Pfff…of course you caught me, you have a way better car, this is so not fair.

Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Hmm, I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?

Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that pedestrian either.

Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you would have never caught me!

Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.

You guys all take bribes, right? How much?

I pay your salary!

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Hmm…Is your power a penis substitute?

If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum!

You drive like my grandma.

Listen, I’m really good friends with the president, so why don’t we just forget about this whole thing, hmm?

I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, “Houdini”!

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?