Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Trust me, it’s better to cry in a Lamborghini than an empty shopping cart.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
I’d agree with you,but then we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Some people have 20 years of experience…and some people have one year of experience, repeated 20 times.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Women are like the police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted the paychecks.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Common sense isn’t.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Oh you’re a vegetarian? My food shits on your food.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Only humans can be stupid enough to cut down trees, manufacture paper and write on it “save the trees”.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the ‘terminal’?
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.