How to annoy the police

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Hey, you must’ve been doing over 130 to keep up with me. Good job!

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you were going to get a doughnut.

Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them!

What? You need a license to drive?

I didn’t stop because when i saw the flashing lights i thought you were giving me an escort.

Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s?

Bad cop! No doughnut!

Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.

I’m heading to a sold out concert and I heard you gave someone a ticket, what’s the deal?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So that’s what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?

I’m an undercover FBI agent and I was following someone, do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?

Whatever you want buddy, You’ve got the gun and I’m not armed right now…

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.

No, offi, offic, lucifer…I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog!

I’m surprised you stopped me, the donut shop is having a 3 for 1 special!

Pfff…of course you caught me, you have a way better car, this is so not fair.

Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Hmm, I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?

Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that pedestrian either.

Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you would have never caught me!

Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.

You guys all take bribes, right? How much?

I pay your salary!

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Hmm…Is your power a penis substitute?

If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum!

You drive like my grandma.

Listen, I’m really good friends with the president, so why don’t we just forget about this whole thing, hmm?

I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, “Houdini”!

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Psychology pick-up lines

pretty-girls-with-glasses18I’ll be a prisoner, you be a guard. Abuse me!

What Freudians repress, let’s express!

You’re into threesomes? Great, ’cause I’ve got split personality.

Baby, all i see in my Rorschach Tests is me and you!

Are you real, or are you a delusion? Either way, you’re really hot!

Can I buy you a shrink?

Sex is on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Care to help me self-actualize?

My hypothalamus is going wild for you!

I have a slight OCD care to be my obsession?

I’ve got a great psychoanalysis couch back home, care to try it out?

You remind me of my mother..

Care to teach me more about interpersonal relationships?

I’m not feeling myself today, can I feel you?

Wanna come back to my place and do something you’ll repress later?

Do come lay on my couch… With me.

Who’s your daddy? Do I remind you of him?

Baby you’re so beautiful…I can’t break down my thoughts and behavior around you, i can’t help not experiencing you as a whole.

You make my medulla spatter.

You are the greatest perception of my heart’s delusion!

Hey baby, how about we try an experiment using stimulus and response?

All three levels of my psyche agree, we need to start dating.

You’re the Youngian archetype for the perfect woman.

Baby you’re so fine my brain is changing structure just to process it.

You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my passive-aggressive-libido-suppressed mind all night.

Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re also putting hot dogs through doughnuts.

Mind if I put my cigar in your ashtray? This isn’t just any cigar…

My unconscious mind is urging me to talk to you.

Are you happy to see me, or is that just a defense mechanism?

Baby i love everything about you not just the fragmented parts of your personality or your cognitive functioning.

When you fell from heaven, did it leave you with any lasting emotional scars?

I’d compare you to my mother, but I don’t want to go down that Freudian slippery slope.

Why don’t I show you my giant inkblot so you can tell me how you feel about it, hmm?

Your ego may be saying ‘no’, but your id is giving me a tongue bath.

I’m conducting an experiment, wanna come spend the night over so i can interpret your dreams?

Hey, how about you come over to my place and i free you from your confrontation with the givens of existence?

And ven I snap my fingers, you vill take your clothes off  on and remember none of zis..

You know what, a few minutes of probing on my couch and you’d be a completely different woman!

Anthropology pick-up lines

relichunter2Hey Baby, I wanna see your bedrock!

Let’s pretend you’re full of  C14 so I can date you.

Baby, you must have time distortion powers because you’are turning me into Homo Erectus!

Would you like to examine my bone?

What a nice pair of platform mounds you got there!

Wanna extract some minerals from my bone?

Let’s forget the carbon and move straight to the dating!

Hey baby, Can I probe your moist area?

My, my you are a special find.

Are you an excavation site?  Because I dig you.

I’m a linguistic anthropologist, may i study your tongue?

Hey baby, I wanna go down today… about 10 centimeters.

Fancy rimming my sherd?

Hey baby, can i use my GPR on you?

I sure would like to calibrate your curves.

Baby you’re more precious than an artifact!

Wanna share a trench?

I would never bury our love in a coniferous forest, because the acidity of the soil would ruin any chance of preservation.

So, wanna get dirty?

I’d like to excavate your site.

You know, you really match my culturally constructed beauty standard !

Care to shine my trowel?

You like petrology? Well, check out this cleavage!

Would you like to see my totem ?

Come here and let me demonstrate how to shovel probe.

My, what a large ranging pole you have!

Hey baby, could i have a look at your artifacts?

Can I excavate your mounds?

Hey, I’ve just discovered a bone in my pants, and I was wondering if you could date it.

Hey baby, can I survey your features ?

I find your culture fascinating…I’d like to learn more about your mating rituals.

Can I touch your tanglible heritage?

Is that an increment borer in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Wow, and all this time I thought nothing was sexier than archaeometry!

Did it hurt when you fell from your culture’s dogmatic view of an afterlife?

Let’s have a debate. I’ll be a cultural relativist, and you assume the missionary position.

If I told you that you had some nice secondary sex characteristics, would you hold them against me?

You remind me of the Kennewick Man, I’d do anything to claim you for my own.

Baby, your hotness is a social fact!

I like your hotspot.

Baby, I’ve got a huge grant !

How to annoy a telemarketer

consuela no no

Repeat what they say. Keep repeating until they ask you to stop, when they ask why, reply that you are training to be a telemarketer.

Ask “Why?” all the time.

Answer every question with “No.”

Answer everything with “hmm maybe…”.

Ask them to talk very slow so you can write every word down for evidence.

Fake being attacked by a murderer. Beg for help. Leave the phone hanging with no sound.

Reply to everything they say with “That’s absolutely not true!”

Start asking them questions and never answer theirs.

Ask them if they sell any telemarketing blocking products.

Answer with “911 Emergency. What is your emergency?” Repeat.

Stay really quiet after you answer then make baby sounds.

Treat them like your very own  psychiatrist. Tell them about your life until they hang up.

Ask them where else you can purchase the product but refuse to buy it  from him.

Inform him that you are grounded or under house arrest, ask him if he could bring you some beer and peanuts.

Ask them personal questions continuously. Tell them you can’t answer their questions until they gain your trust.

Only breath heavily. Tell them you know where they live or that they have a “purty voice”.

Tell them you have to let the cat inside and you will be right back. Never return.

Ask them if they are selling any weed.

“I’m sorry, I’m blind, can you repeat that?”

Tell them you don’t even have a phone and you don’t know what they are talking about.

Pretend like you are old/young and can’t hear/understand, fake an accent as well.

Ask them if they would like to be your friend.

Panic and tell them you were an undercover cop but this call just ruined your cover.

Tell them a gypsy already sold you that product.

Tell them the phone owner has just moved and give them the number of someone you despise. Tell them they work during the day so Read More…

Informatics pick-up lines

259184343_3eb35475a2 Mind if i try your compiler on my hard code?

You compute me!

You’re hotter then the bottom of my laptop.!

Ping . Response?

Talk QWERTY to me!

It’s not the size of my hard drive, it’s the way I upload.

Need me to unzip your files?

If you were an ISP I’d dial you all day long!

I think my heart just lagged…

Hi, I’m writing a new make-out program. Would you like to join the beta-test?

You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean…

If you were a part of my domain, we could share cookies.

Wanna place  your software on my hard drive?

Baby, you must be running a TCP protocol, since every time I talk to you, your body gives me an acknowledgment!

I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen.

Computer techs have skilled fingers. if you know what I mean…

I wish i could  hack you in my dreams!

Baby, you overclock my processor.

Wow, you just  hacked into my heart and executed loveatfirstsight.exe!

Hey baby, I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.

What do you say I get your method signature so I can call you?

If you have an empty slot, I have the card to fill it.

Hey baby, if I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.

If I were an assembly language, I’d jump to your address, shift right a bit, push it in, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, then jump if you’re negative.

My love for you is like a session that never times out.

I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

I’m very well-oriented with private objects.

What do you say we configure our hard drives to master and slave position?

Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.

You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow…

I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

I wish I had the RSS feed of your heart.

Don’t hesitate to call me if you need to get rid of a Trojan.

I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you have ever seen!

If I said you had a beautiful <body>, would you hold it against me?

How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?

Baby, you are as mysterious as the random reboot problems I’m having with my Linux server.

Have you ever been deep-linked?

Hey, I really wanna hack your kernel.

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?

If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

Hey, how about I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?

How about we go home and you handle my exception?

You make my software turn into hardware!

I’d really  like to play on your lap-top!

Nice CDs!

Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I’ll give you sudo access.

You have the hottest multi-touch interface.

Don’t worry babe, my backdoor Trojan won’t do any real damage.

Can I put my USB stick in your 2.0 Slot?

You can talk to me in binary all the way home, baby.

Is your IP available for some chat?

I’d love to probe your ports.

I checked your syntax and found no errors. Wanna go compile?

Hey cutie, are you looking for someone to format your drive?

Would it be easier to embed you if I show you my plugins?

I’d like to send some packets into your SSH tunnel.

Astronomy pick-up lines

SexyAnimeinLaboratoryGownHey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?

I think you might be a star because i can’t stop orbiting around you.

Ever wonder what’s happening under Orion’s belt?

Hey, wanna  come to my place and observe something else that’s constantly expanding ?

Your beauty is as rare as a Venus eclipse.

Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?

Woah! What’s the name of THIS heavenly body?

What do you say we observe each other through naked eyes?

Hey, how’d you like to recreate the Big Bang?

You are hot like a perfect star baby, mind if i enter your Goldilocks Zone ?

How about you and I form a binary system?

Baby you make my telescope expand.

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy in my hand.

You make me hotter than NML Cygni.

Your smile is like a black hole, nothing can escape it’s pull.

Your name must be Amdromeda, because we are destined to collide.

Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?

Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?

You can use my telescope anytime. Hehe.

Nice asteroids.

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

Your eyes are brighter than Sirius.

Wanna join the hundred-thousand-mile-high club?

You must be a Magnetar because i feel a strong  magnetism between us.

Care to experience some thrust?

Wanna initiate a docking maneuver?

Hey baby, you caught my Curiosity, mind if i explore you a little?

I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.

Do you work for NASA?  Because you’re out of this world.

Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, you had to walk  into mine…

If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.

Wanna see how a Pulsar feels like?

Hey baby, mind if i send my probe into your wormhole?

Wanna observe the Big Dipper? Hehe.

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

Wow you feel like a comet, you are a once in a lifetime experience and I’m glad i didn’t miss it, can i buy you a drink?

Baby, you’re like a white dwarf star, extremely hot but not very bright.

How to annoy people at the hypermarket

funny-supermarket-drift-gameWhen a someone gives an announcement, assume a fetal position and start screaming, “No, no! not the voices again!”.

Stand firmly at the entrance of an aisle and with an official tone wave people off with “Move along folks, nothing to see here.”

“Accidentally” get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.

Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell “What sorcery is this!?”

Get a fishing rod and try to catch the frozen fish. Tell people in a monotone voice “Nothing’s biting’ today…” as they walk by.

Ask where the ice cream is while holding a tub of ice cream up and standing in the ice cream isle.

Crouch around suspiciously while humming the Mission Impossible theme.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell “Its gonna get me!”

Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other customers: “These are not the products you are looking for.” Wave your hand gently.

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Rewind and watch the entire movies on the TV displays. Drag a chair also.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals throughout the day.

Walk up to an employee and in an official tone of voice say “We’ve got a code 3 near fruits”. See if anything happens.

Set up a tent in the camping department. Tell friends they can only join if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.

While looking at guns in the gun department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.

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