Tag Archive | how to insult

Insult generator

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Famous historical witty comebacks and insults

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Ed Koch vs Andrew Kirtzman

Koch: I can explain this to you, I can’t comprehend it for you.

Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas

After Douglas called him “two faced” during a debate”

Abraham: I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?

Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor

When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.

Fritz: I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau 

Response to learning that Richard Nixon called him an a-hole:

Pierre: I’ve been called worse things by better men.”

George Bernard Shaw vs Churchill

George Bernard Shaw: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.

Churchill: Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second – if there is one.

Miriam Hopkins vs Anonymous singer

Anonymous singer:  You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars.

Miriam Hopkins:  That’s wonderful.  And what did you do with the money?

John Montagu vs John Wilkes

John Montagu:  Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.

John Wilkes:  That depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

Groucho Marx vs a contestant on “You Bet Your Life”

After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.

Groucho: Why so many children?

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How to annoy people at the office/at work

Bring the TV remote from home and try to change the channel on people’s computers. When you see no results curse and mutter something about „cheap good for nothing electronics”.

Answer every phone call you get with „Welcome to FM Radio, you are on the air!”.

Pretend like your co-workers screen saver is hypnotizing you,start bowing to the computer chanting „All hail the cyber lord!”.

When people ask you for assistance staple their papers in the middle of the page.

Pick random times during the day to announce that plants are not real.

Take a picture of a fly you just killed and attach it to an email, send it to all your co-workers labeling it „such is the fate of all fools who oppose me!”.

Walk around the office staring suspiciously at co-workers, take a careful look around their offices, occasionally talk into your shirt saying „No sign of the the target yet, they suspect nothing!”.

Paint your face purple and walk around desperately asking your co-workers if they have seen your pills. Search through their desk drawers.

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Top witty comebacks and insults

You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.

If you stop telling lies about me,  I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

I’m not going to get into a battle of wits with you; I never attack anyone who’s   unarmed.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

Wow! You don’t know the meaning of the word fear! But then again you don’t know the meaning of most words.

The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

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How to annoy someone who won’t leave your house

Ask them if they could give you a hand in your new meth lab, explain how the last 3 people died but you are fairly certain it is safe down there now.

Stare curiously at an empty spot near their head, act like someone just told you a joke and start having a conversation with the invisible entity, invite your guest to talk to the invisible friend while you go get some tea.

Ask them to partake in a weird ritual worshiping an invented deity every time they come over, warn them that if they don’t the roof will fall.

Ask them to stay over forever and never leave because you need them and you can’t possibly live without them, drop on your knees and beg crying. When they try to leave act heartbroken and warn them never to set foot in your house again else terrible things might happen.

Start coughing suspiciously, when asked just tell them you opened a suspicious envelope last night in the house and you’ve been feeling very ill since, tell them it’s probably just a cold, go to the bathroom and draw weird markings on your skin.

In the middle of the conversation slap them vigorously across the face then yell “Damn it! That one always gets away!” Repeat.

Throw a bucket of water on them every time they come in, when questioned about it look dramatically out the window and say“Nobody will ever die of dehydration in this house again…”. Repeat every half  hour.

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How to annoy people in a public restroom

Stand by the sink and eyeball people who approach, let out an angry growl if they try to wash their hands.

Knock on the stall door and pretend you’re a Jehovas Witness

When a person enters the stall next to you take out a spray can and complain about the smell while spraying continuously.

Mumble on the phone desperately about why the toilet isn’t that good for “destroying the evidence”

Steal all the toilet paper, sell it to people when they are desperate.

Bring a big bag of water, poke a hole in it and let it drip continuously when there’s someone else in the bathroom, also bring meatballs and drop them one by one, act relieved after each one.

Fake an orgasm every 3 minutes.

Practice speech about world domination in the mirror.

Dip your hands and face in ketchup until it looks like blood, start washing when someone comes in, watch them like a psychopath as they enter the stall.

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How to annoy people on a plane

Give someone a coin, saying “Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don’t.”

Act like a movie star.

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they’re Tom Cruise orMadonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question).

Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).

Ask the person next to you, “Are you in the Witness Protection program too?”

Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers.

Bring a “Word-a-Day” calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. “‘My, you have a very irate home,’ she said governessly.”

Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, “The reception is much clearer up here. . . .”

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50 ways to annoy people at the cinema

1. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, “It’s snowing!”
2. Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses.
3. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
4. During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
5. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, “Watch out!”
6. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
7. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
8. Yell out what is going to happen.
9. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, “I’m Batman! Hahaha!” and run away.
10. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
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How to annoy people at the beach

1. Make sand sculptures of questionable body parts

2. Wait for someone to go into the water and then throw your beach blanket over theirs. Then watch the fun as they return looking for their spot.

3. At the concession stand, order a broccoli Popsicle

4. Strike up a conversation with the lifeguard and inquire what would happen if you started yelling, “Shark!”

5. Yell, “Shark!” and see if it’s true

6. Go up to people, frantically, and tell them that you buried your wife/husband in the sand and you can’t find them

7. Dress in a woolen overcoat and count the minutes before the ambulance arrives

8. Bring a backhoe down and dig for clams

9. Find a group of people playing volleyball and when they hit it to you, run away with it

10. When people aren’t looking, replace their suntan lotion with a squeeze bottle of French’s mustard

How to annoy people in an elevator

1) When there’s only 1 other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend that it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons & pretend they give you a shock. Smile & go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for the other people and push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you are on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you are waiting for a friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say “Hey Greg, How’s your day been?”

6) Drop and pen & wait until someone goes to pick it up and then scream “NOOO THAT’S MINE!”

7) Bring a camera & take pictures of everyone on the elevator.

8) Bring a Twister mat and ask if people want to play.

9) Leave a box in the corner, when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

10) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

11) Stand really close to someone and sniff them occasionally.

12) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s ok! Don’t panic, they will open again!”

13) Swat at flies that aren’t there.

14) Call out, “Group Hug!” & then enforce it.

15) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut-Up, all of you, just shut up!”

16) Stand silently & motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

17) Stare at another passenger for awhile and then yell in horror, “Your one of THEM!” & then back away slowly.

18) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other people.

19) Listen to the walls of the elevator with a stethoscope.

20) Make explosion noises when someone pushes a button.