Archive | May 2013

How to annoy people in a library

funny-library-booksFlip books upside down, when asked to stop explain that you are doing it for the Australians.

Read your book upside down.

Get an erotic book, flip open to an erotic page and start reading it out loud making sure you have an audience.

Begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Should people demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander.

Go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say “There must be a secret entrance here…”

While reading glance over your shoulder suspiciously every few seconds.

Start screaming at a character in the book : “Nooo! It’s a trap! Don’t go in there you idiot!!”

Ask the librarian: “What’s the name of this book???”

Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

Stick a “Kick me” sign on your back, start accusing and questioning everyone in the library about it, act frustrated.

Whilst at the library ask people to read for you because your eye sight is bad. When bored with that start asking people to finish reading the book at home for you.

While pointing to a very simple word like ‘an’, ask someone next to you if they can pronounce it for you.

Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then start eating messily, and crunching loudly. Ask everyone that passes: “Got milk?”

Walk around the bookshelves like a drunk person and ask people if they know where the library is.

Get a really weird erotic book and give it to someone saying “I think you’ll like this book.” Wink.

Rearrange books so their titles make up funny/weird sentences.

Start reading a children’s book sweetly to a little girl or boy then turn it into a weird horror story halfway.

Start eating a book and say “I’m a bookworm” .

Cough endlessly.

Ask the librarian if she will read you a story. Beg.

Eat cheese and pickle sandwiches. Go to great lengths to ensure everyone can smell it.

Laugh out loud at books with clearly inappropriate content for such a reaction: Abortion, Disability,War etc.

Talk to the person next to you about how the Dewey Decimal Classification is an abomination. Explain that the books are free spirits and should not be constrained by the order the system enforces. Replace them in the shelves at random.

Start a fitness class and encourage others to join.

Walk over to people who are reading and softly blow into their ear. Act innocent.

Ask the librarian “How much does this book cost? Do you accept credit card payment?”. Don’t wait for an answer and just throw a dollar bill at him/her and walk away.

Read a book really loudly and add voices whenever characters talk.

While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to everyone: “I have mail!!”

Get a children’s book  and complain that there is no glossary.

Take a book and ask people one by one: “Do you wanna read this?”

Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.

Hide a book inside your shirt and say: “Oops I don’t know how that got in there” when it falls down. Act surprised.

Keep clicking a pen or tap it against the table, never stop, ignore what people say.

Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you and what were you doing last night around 2 a.m.?!”

Swish papers around to make noise.

Go to sleep in a place that everybody needs, maybe on top of the printer on deadline day.

Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting “Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who would of thought it?”

Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!”

Get up onto the table, and start acting like a chicken. When they ask what you’re doing,  answer: “You wouldn’t understand.”

Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!”

Sing or hum the Pokemon Center theme song.

Tell people the ending of the book before they have even read it. If unsure check online first.

Order a hamburger and some fries from the librarian, wait for the order.

Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asks what is wrong, look at then with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?”

Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular: “I know what you did last night…”

Sit really close to a stranger and stare at them. See how long it takes for them to ask you to leave.

Wear A LOT of  cologne or perfume.

Run in with a toy gun and yell ” THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Bring a bag of cat food and start snacking on it.

Stand up suddenly, continue reading.

Get someone who works at the library and ask them one by one if each book in the whole library is good or bad.

Hold your book right next to your eyes.

Spell every single word as you read it.

Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

Look at one page number, then a different one. Shout in astonishment:  “Would you look at that?! The page numbers are in order! The guy who came up with that must have been a genius!”

Sing or hum songs that you know will be lodged in everyone’s brains for hours.

Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say: “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”

Look up suddenly and yell, “Oh no!” When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.” Then do it again.

Ask people what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t! Lies!”

Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”

Every time the clock strikes the hour shout “One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We will never make it in time!”

Cry or laugh really loudly while sitting next to somebody and say “This book is really emotional/funny…”

Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”