Ed Koch vs Andrew Kirtzman
Koch: I can explain this to you, I can’t comprehend it for you.
Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas
After Douglas called him “two faced” during a debate”
Abraham: I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?
Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor
When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.
Fritz: I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.
Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau
Response to learning that Richard Nixon called him an a-hole:
Pierre: I’ve been called worse things by better men.”
George Bernard Shaw vs Churchill
George Bernard Shaw: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.
Churchill: Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second – if there is one.
Miriam Hopkins vs Anonymous singer
Anonymous singer: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars.
Miriam Hopkins: That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?
John Montagu vs John Wilkes
John Montagu: Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Groucho Marx vs a contestant on “You Bet Your Life”
After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
Groucho: Why so many children?
You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.
Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?
I’m not going to get into a battle of wits with you; I never attack anyone who’s unarmed.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
Wow! You don’t know the meaning of the word fear! But then again you don’t know the meaning of most words.
The trouble with you is that you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.