25 ways to troll when bored

Make vanilla pudding. Place it in a mayo jar. Eat it on the street. Also Gatorade in a window cleaning solution.

Point at someone on the street or in a store and shout “You’re one of them!” Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.

Wear a shirt that says “Life”. Hand out lemons on the street.

Get into a dressing room at the clothes store and yell: “Oh no! There’s no more toilet paper left!!”.

Run into a store or to someone on the street. Ask them in a frantic manner “What year is it?”. After they answer yell “It worked!” and run away cheering.

Get into a crowded elevator and say “I bet you are all wondering why i called you all here today…”.

Go up to a random lady with a daughter and say her son is adorable.

Grab a banana in a store and ask the clerk “Why are all your carrots yellow?”.

Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.

Walk up to people chatting on the street and stare at them, after a while ask “So, are you gonna kiss him/her or what?”.

Go to a fast food restaurant and order fries without the potatoes.

Make “No Dumping – Violators Will Be Prosecuted” signs and put them in public bathroom stalls.

Go to a pet store and buy bird seed. Ask the clerk how long it will take for the birds to grow after you plant the seeds.

Buy a parrot. Teach it to say “Help, I’ve been turned into a parrot!”.

Go to random dating sites and create awesome profiles for your dog.

Go up to random people at the mall, show them your ID, and ask: “Have you seen this man?”.

Go to an Italian restaurant in a Mario costume.

At a crowded street corner look up and yell “No! Don’t jump!”. See how many people look.

Put up a lost dog poster with the picture of a cat. Provide no contact details only a large reward.

Go to a store, pick up a bag of sliced turkey and start screaming “What have they done to you?!!? Nooo!”

Superglue coins to the sidewalk. Eat popcorn.

Hug a stranger then push them back angrily saying “Get off me, what are you doing weirdo?!”

Randomly shout “You pervert!”. See how many people react or turn around.

Dress up in a suit. Look at people walking on the street, speak into your watch “I found him/her.”. Start following someone.

Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout “Oh no! I’m hideous!”.

How to annoy people in a library

Flip books upside down, when asked to stop explain that you are doing it for the Australians.

Read your book upside down.

Get an erotic book, flip open to an erotic page and start reading it out loud making sure you have an audience.

Begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Should people demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander.

Go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say “There must be a secret entrance here…”

While reading glance over your shoulder suspiciously every few seconds.

Start screaming at a character in the book : “Nooo! It’s a trap! Don’t go in there you idiot!!”

Ask the librarian: “What’s the name of this book???”

Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

Stick a “Kick me” sign on your back, start accusing and questioning everyone in the library about it, act frustrated.

Whilst at the library ask people to read for you because your eye sight is bad. When bored with that start asking people to finish reading the book at home for you.

While pointing to a very simple word like ‘an’, ask someone next to you if they can pronounce it for you.

Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then start eating messily, and crunching loudly. Ask everyone that passes: “Got milk?”

Walk around the bookshelves like a drunk person and ask people if they know where the library is.

Get a really weird erotic book and give it to someone saying “I think you’ll like this book.” Wink.

Rearrange books so their titles make up funny/weird sentences.

Start reading a children’s book sweetly to a little girl or boy then turn it into a weird horror story halfway.

Start eating a book and say “I’m a bookworm” .

Cough endlessly.

Ask the librarian if she will read you a story. Beg.

Eat cheese and pickle sandwiches. Go to great lengths to ensure everyone can smell it.

Laugh out loud at books with clearly inappropriate content for such a reaction: Abortion, Disability,War etc.

Talk to the person next to you about how the Dewey Decimal Classification is an abomination. Explain that the books are free spirits and should not be constrained by the order the system enforces. Replace them in the shelves at random.

Start a fitness class and encourage others to join.

Walk over to people who are reading and softly blow into their ear. Act innocent.

Ask the librarian “How much does this book cost? Do you accept credit card payment?”. Don’t wait for an answer and just throw a dollar bill at him/her and walk away.

Read a book really loudly and add voices whenever characters talk.

While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to everyone: “I have mail!!”

Get a children’s book  and complain that there is no glossary.

Take a book and ask people one by one: “Do you wanna read this?”

Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.

Hide a book inside your shirt and say: “Oops I don’t know how that got in there” when it falls down. Act surprised.

Keep clicking a pen or tap it against the table, never stop, ignore what people say.

Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you and what were you doing last night around 2 a.m.?!”

Swish papers around to make noise.

Go to sleep in a place that everybody needs, maybe on top of the printer on deadline day.

Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting “Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who would of thought it?”

Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!”

Get up onto the table, and start acting like a chicken. When they ask what you’re doing,  answer: “You wouldn’t understand.”

Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!”

Sing or hum the Pokemon Center theme song.

Tell people the ending of the book before they have even read it. If unsure check online first.

Order a hamburger and some fries from the librarian, wait for the order.

Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asks what is wrong, look at then with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?”

Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular: “I know what you did last night…”

Sit really close to a stranger and stare at them. See how long it takes for them to ask you to leave.

Wear A LOT of  cologne or perfume.

Run in with a toy gun and yell ” THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Bring a bag of cat food and start snacking on it.

Stand up suddenly, continue reading.

Get someone who works at the library and ask them one by one if each book in the whole library is good or bad.

Hold your book right next to your eyes.

Spell every single word as you read it.

Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

Look at one page number, then a different one. Shout in astonishment:  “Would you look at that?! The page numbers are in order! The guy who came up with that must have been a genius!”

Sing or hum songs that you know will be lodged in everyone’s brains for hours.

Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say: “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”

Look up suddenly and yell, “Oh no!” When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.” Then do it again.

Ask people what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t! Lies!”

Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”

Every time the clock strikes the hour shout “One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We will never make it in time!”

Cry or laugh really loudly while sitting next to somebody and say “This book is really emotional/funny…”

Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”

How to annoy the police

Hey, you must’ve been doing over 130 to keep up with me. Good job!

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you were going to get a doughnut.

Those beer bottles? They were open when I bought them!

What? You need a license to drive?

I didn’t stop because when i saw the flashing lights i thought you were giving me an escort.

Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s?

Bad cop! No doughnut!

Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.

I’m heading to a sold out concert and I heard you gave someone a ticket, what’s the deal?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So that’s what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean?

I’m an undercover FBI agent and I was following someone, do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?

Whatever you want buddy, You’ve got the gun and I’m not armed right now…

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Come on, write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.

No, offi, offic, lucifer…I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog!

I’m surprised you stopped me, the donut shop is having a 3 for 1 special!

Pfff…of course you caught me, you have a way better car, this is so not fair.

Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us knows.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Hmm, I though you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?

Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that pedestrian either.

Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you would have never caught me!

Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.

You guys all take bribes, right? How much?

I pay your salary!

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Hmm…Is your power a penis substitute?

If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum!

You drive like my grandma.

Listen, I’m really good friends with the president, so why don’t we just forget about this whole thing, hmm?

I can get out of those stupid handcuffs faster than you can say, “Houdini”!

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

How to annoy a telemarketer

Repeat what they say. Keep repeating until they ask you to stop, when they ask why, reply that you are training to be a telemarketer.

Ask “Why?” all the time.

Answer every question with “No.”

Answer everything with “hmm maybe…”.

Ask them to talk very slow so you can write every word down for evidence.

Fake being attacked by a murderer. Beg for help. Leave the phone hanging with no sound.

Reply to everything they say with “That’s absolutely not true!”

Start asking them questions and never answer theirs.

Ask them if they sell any telemarketing blocking products.

Answer with “911 Emergency. What is your emergency?” Repeat.

Stay really quiet after you answer then make baby sounds.

Treat them like your very own  psychiatrist. Tell them about your life until they hang up.

Ask them where else you can purchase the product but refuse to buy it  from him.

Inform him that you are grounded or under house arrest, ask him if he could bring you some beer and peanuts.

Ask them personal questions continuously. Tell them you can’t answer their questions until they gain your trust.

Only breath heavily. Tell them you know where they live or that they have a “purty voice”.

Tell them you have to let the cat inside and you will be right back. Never return.

Ask them if they are selling any weed.

“I’m sorry, I’m blind, can you repeat that?”

Tell them you don’t even have a phone and you don’t know what they are talking about.

Pretend like you are old/young and can’t hear/understand, fake an accent as well.

Ask them if they would like to be your friend.

Panic and tell them you were an undercover cop but this call just ruined your cover.

Tell them a gypsy already sold you that product.

Tell them the phone owner has just moved and give them the number of someone you despise. Tell them they work during the day so

How to annoy people at the hypermarket

When a someone gives an announcement, assume a fetal position and start screaming, “No, no! not the voices again!”.

Stand firmly at the entrance of an aisle and with an official tone wave people off with “Move along folks, nothing to see here.”

“Accidentally” get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.

Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell “What sorcery is this!?”

Get a fishing rod and try to catch the frozen fish. Tell people in a monotone voice “Nothing’s biting’ today…” as they walk by.

Ask where the ice cream is while holding a tub of ice cream up and standing in the ice cream isle.

Crouch around suspiciously while humming the Mission Impossible theme.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell “Its gonna get me!”

Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other customers: “These are not the products you are looking for.” Wave your hand gently.

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Rewind and watch the entire movies on the TV displays. Drag a chair also.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals throughout the day.

Walk up to an employee and in an official tone of voice say “We’ve got a code 3 near fruits”. See if anything happens.

Set up a tent in the camping department. Tell friends they can only join if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.

While looking at guns in the gun department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.

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How to annoy people on New Year’s Eve

Shout out random numbers during the countdown.

Have long arguments with anyone that wants to disagree with you that we are in 1962.

Cry uncontrollably about the Earth getting so old.

Prophesy the end times loudly, warn everyone to set their affairs straight before the calendar ends! The mayans meant this calendar!

Remind everybody that 13 is a sinister number imbued with black magic and misfortune. “2013 is no exception! I hope we will still be here in 2014…”

During the countdown panic and shout out “I can’t take this tension anymore!!” Cover your ears and run around making noises.

When the countdown is over get annoyed “Why isn’t anything happening! Lies all lies!”

Walk around people begging them to cherish the 31st of December, explain how it feels neglected because everyone just wants it gone.

Put sleeping pills in everyone drinks to make them miss midnight. Paint your shirt in ketchup before they wake up and explain how you saved their lives.

Invite people to a party, have a tea party instead, demand everyone speak old english with threat of exclusion.

Start telling people stories about last year before it’s even over, after midnight tell everyone that joke about how it’s been a year since you saw them, everyone!

Try to convince people that the new calendar demands sacrifice! Hold a ritual to sacrifice potato chips.

Ask the host where their New Year’s Tree is.

Make impossible New Year’s resolutions like learning to fly and visiting Uranus. Act really confident.

Brag about everything you did last year, even insignificant things,or better of, especially insignificant things.

When people start drinking invent a very depressing story about how you struggled with alcohol addiction, tell it in a very sad voice.

Hold a funeral service for the last year. Speak greatly of it! Tell people it’s ok to cry. Call them sensitive pixie fairies after.

After the countdown start talking into a weird voice “Yeesssh yeesh after a thousand years i am finally free! Muahaha!” Rub your hands together and look at everyone like a psycho. Smile devilishly.

Get all hipster in their faces and tell them how you already like 2013 before it’s even here. Explain your opinions on 2014 as well.

Bring a huge empty paper rocket inside the house that looks like a firework, light it up and yell “Check this out!”. Watch everyone run in fear.

Continue to wish everyone a Merry Christmas !

 

 

How to troll Santa Claus

Sue him for all he’s got because he dared call your wife a „Ho” three times in front of the kids.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Panic when he comes in and beat him senselessly with a baseball bat.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

Leave out a large plate of cookies for Santa with a big note on the bottom of it „If you want the antidote for the poison you will leave all the presents. No negotiations. When it’s done come wake me up to receive the antidote’s location”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Leave out a big bottle of vodka for him, keep an eye on the news to check where he crashes.

Demand that he teaches you how to do magical things. Do not let him leave until he complies.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. ”

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

Trap Santa in the house with an auto-lock on the chimney. Leave out a note „I wanna play a game…” Watch the monitors to see if he survives your maze.

 

Funny excuses for being late for work/school

I saw a fire truck as I was coming to work and went home to make sure my house wasn’t on fire.

I was up all night arguing with God.

I got involved in a gang war by accident. We won.

I’m late because my dad was punishing my younger brother this morning. He was beating him with my shoes. I couldn’t come in barefoot.

I had this conflict going on within me regarding whether to exhibit herd mentality by attending class/work or whether to take a more individualistic decision of skipping school/work; I chose the former but the decision-making process was lengthy and complex.

I was possessed, the priest barely made it out alive.

I made the mistake of letting in some Jehovah’s Witnesses and they wouldn’t leave.

There were three wasps in my bedroom so I hid under my bed for three hours until they flew out the window.

The cops kept chasing me but i eventually lost them and came as soon as i could.

Funny excuses for not doing your homework

I  didn’t do my homework because of my eyes….I  couldn’t see any reason to do it.

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

My mother took it to have it framed. 

I didn’t do it, because I didn’t want the other kids in the class to look bad.

A weird old man stole it  and tried to lure me into his house with it.

I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

We ran out of toilet paper at my house last night, and my Dad isn’t feeling so good. He grabbed it in a big rush and I haven’t seen it since.

I got soap in my eyes and was blinded for the rest of the night.

It is against my spiritual beliefs to do homework on a day that ends with a ‘y’.

It was in my back pocket and a pickpocket stole it.

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.