Archive | June 2013

Funny excuses given for car accidents

Mr_Bean_420-420x0A pedestrian hit me and then went under my car. There was nothing I could do.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished.

The other car collided with mine without giving fair warning of its intention.

The other car shouldn’t have been in my way.

The car didn’t come with an instruction manual.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

He applied the brake and his car stopped, I applied brake and my car didn’t stop.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I thought the phrase “drinking and driving” meant drinking whilst operating the vehicle.

I did not think the train ran on those lines any more.

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

I sneezed.

Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by pedestrians.

I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.


Funny excuses for not going on a date

not-sure-if-trolling-or-just-a-smartass I’m sorry I can’t:

I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

I want to spend more time with my blender.

I’m having all my plants neutered.

My uncle escaped again.

I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.

I have to study for a blood test.

I won’t find a parking space.

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

 I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

The last time I went out, I never came back.

I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.

I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

My favorite commercial is on TV.

I’m taking nuisance classes.

I left my body in my other clothes.

I need to change the air in my tires.

I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

I have to hide the bodies.

I think my wife/husband would get pissed.

I have to keep refreshing the FBI website to check if I’m still wanted.

My dog had baby kittens.

My dad said I can’t date till I am married.

My grandma is on fire.

I have to stay home and give my goldfish a bath.

My pet rock died.

I need to help a friend with some business in the desert.

The man on television told me to say tuned.

I have to floss my cat.

I never go out on days that end in “y”.

I’ll be under house arrest by then.

I have to wax the driveway.

I have to go to court, I’m suing myself for brain damages. 

People are blaming me for World War II..

I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

I can’t, I will be sick that day.

I can’t anymore, my boyfriend/girlfriend just called.

I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.

I got hit by a fly, the ambulance is on it’s way.

I put your name in a hat with the others, yours didn’t come up this week.

I got struck by lightning while watering my dog.

My spirit guide said not to.

I died yesterday.

 I’m doing door-to-door selling European air.

I’ve decided to dedicate my life to spaghetti.

The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

My ex girlfriend/boyfriend gets out of jail today and he/she murdered the last person i liked. 

 I’m trying to cut down.

History pick-up lines

r169_457x256_3404_Cersei_Seated_2d_fantasy_girl_woman_sexy_portrait_queen_picture_image_digital_artYou know…there’s a reason they say I started the Era of Good Feelings… 

Baby you turn my bronze into iron!

Don’t worry dear, my missile is never in crisis.

Madam, it is imperative that you recognize my natural right to pursue your happiness.

If I was a knight, would you lower your drawbridge for me?

I’m sorry i wasn’t part of your past, want me to make it up by being in your future?

My dear…Your beauty could launch a thousand ships.

Baby you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.

Care to come over for some Hysteria Relief?

Hey baby, would you like me to be your Secretary of the Interior…?

You remind me of  Russia in 1917, I’m starting to feel a huge uprising in my lower class.

Hey baby, care to allow me an expedition to prove that you aren’t flat?

Nice pyramids…

I’m like George Washington — I cannot tell a lie. So believe me when I say you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.

No one can debunk the fact that you are the center of my universe…

 Want to go back to my place and discuss Big Stick Diplomacy? 

You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.

I’m like the Vietnam War – way longer than you thought I’d be.

Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

I wouldn’t need the Emancipation Proclamation if i were your slave baby!

I bet if Jefferson had met you, he would have vetoed the Non-Intercourse Act.

You remind me of the guillotine, i always lose my head around you dear.

Baby, you are hotter than the Great Fire of London.

Not even the Berlin Wall could keep me from you my dear.

Did you have anything to do with The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

Baby, I’d annex your territory any day!

Let me know if you need any help getting out of that corset.

Want to reenact the Battle of the Bulge? 

Babe… your love is like a dictatorship…it has absolute power over my heart!

Wow, how astonishing! You must be the eighth wonder of the world! 

I wish to colonize your heart my dear.

Good afternoon sir is that an telescope in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Are you a historical landmark? Because Eiffel for you.

Want to play War of 1812? I’ll light your White House on fire… 

Your palace looks like it could use a sturdy column.

I’d go to the moon and back for you baby!

You wanna play Pearl Harbor? It’s a game where I lay back and you blow the hell out of me.

I’ve got the ‘thanks’ ready, if you’ll do the ‘giving…

If I could change the alphabet, I would put ‘V’ and ‘I’ together.

My heart burns like a witch for you.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore….my face should be among them.

Unlike the stock market, I never crash at my peak.

Hey baby, I got the sword you got the sheath, how about a truce?